Sick of the idiotic questions you get asked? Here’s how to shut their mouths up and keep things this way!
Recently I realized that I have been living in my own naïve little idealistic world, where I do vegan research daily and I presume that by publishing, sharing, and advocating for a cruelty-free world more and more people get educated on the matter. My presumption for a while has been that the biggest portion of society is well aware that the plant-based sources of protein are plenteous, and people keep eating meat and dairy out of habit, negligence, and most of all – the choice to shut their eyes and be complete slaves to their stomachs and tastebuds.
Yet, only a few days ago, I was out at a restaurant with quite a large group of people, when a friend said something like ‘Oh, yeah, sorry I forgot you can’t eat that.’ (not in a bad way at all), and of course someone else overheard. It was this gentleman, who I had always considered to be an educated above-average male. His eyes grew the size of pancakes, he looked at me with surprise, and asked:
‘You don’t eat meat? But where do you get your protein from?’
In my head I was:
‘What??? Are you serious?’
Yes, I genuinely couldn’t believe I was hearing this question in this time and age and from this person. I really wish I had something witty and smart to reply to him, but for the first few seconds I was simply numb.
And now, just a few days later I came across this awesome list of answers to give to ridiculous questions like the (extremely lame) one mentioned above. Here they are…
9 Hilariously Witty Answers To Appalling Questions Vegans Get Asked A LOT
1. Where do you get protein?
Usually from Whole Foods. But sometimes I get it from Publix, Target, or the farmer’s market too.
2. But the bible says it is okay to eat animals.
That is why I am such an advocate of going back to slavery, captive virgins, and polygamy. Wouldn’t life be better if we all followed the bible word-for-word? Especially that part about “thou shalt not kill.”
3. But it is natural to eat meat!
You are right! It is completely natural to use artificial selection to breed animals on feedlots, pump them with antibiotics and growth hormones, slaughter them with machinery, send them to processing factories, package them in plastic, ship them all across the country, and then buy them.
4. Isn’t it boring to eat salad and tofu all of the time?
You are right. I do get pretty bored of eating seitan ravioli in wild mushroom sauce with cashew cream, and I think I will go crazy if I have to eat black bean chilaquiles with pepitas for breakfast again. It is much more exciting to eat grilled chicken and scrambled eggs all the time.
5. If you don’t milk a cow, its udders will explode. Cows need to be milked, so we are doing them a favor.
I hear you. My breasts would explode too if I wasn’t milked… Oh wait, I wasn’t artificially inseminated and then had my baby torn away from me a day or two after birth… So that must be why my breasts don’t make milk anymore!
6. What about plants? I read a study which found that plants can feel pain too.
How about I jam this carrot in your eye and we will see which one of you feels the more pain.
7. If we didn’t breed animals for food, they would go extinct.
If we hadn’t selectively bred them to be fat and docile, they wouldn’t have existed in the first place.
8. Humane slaughter is OK
You’d make a great defense attorney. I’m sure you could get lots of murder acquittals with that argument.
9. If we weren’t meant to eat animals, then why are they so tasty?
Go talk to Jeffrey Dahmer, Alfred Packer, Albert Fish, Andrei Chikatilo, and the Mauerova family…
10. I knew a vegan once and he was sick.
Yeah, I’ve never known a sick meat eater before. It must be a vegan thing.
11. Being vegan is so expensive.
I know. My healthcare costs are going to be through the roof now that I’ve lost 20lbs, corrected my high blood pressure, and got my cholesterol under control.
12. So, what DO you eat?
Anything that doesn’t take a dump.
13. But agriculture kills animals too.
Okay. If you promise to watch a video of a slaughterhouse, I promise to watch a video of a strawberry harvest.
14. Why are you vegan?
Are you asking because you really love plants, or because you want to mock me so you can justify your eating of meat?
15. Veganism is so extreme.
Yeah, it is definitely extreme to be considerate of sentient beings. The Holocaust was so laid back.
What stupid questions have you heard? And what’s your awesome response?